The Summer of '98 - Part3

During this period, I visited Amma's 13th day after passing away in Gokarna. First exposure to the world after surgery. I do not remember much of anything. We came back to Manipal, this time only me and father. I was at the other end of the hospital. This time my doctor was Dr. Ramanujam - Radio oncologist. The part of the infected area which as to be irradiated to kill any remaning trace of cancer cells. They had marked all the portion on m neck with a type of ink. Ever since I had learnt about radiation in my high school I had come to think that it was something cool. But the days ahead were to reveal the unimaginably harsh thing called 'radiation' to me. Everyday I had to recieve 2 dosages, each lasting for 5-10 mins. Radiation in itself doesn't cause any pain, but the effects it has on metabolism and the body as a whole are bizzare. First of all the burning of the skin. The dosages are are so less and subtle that one would feel nothing, absolutely nothing when under the machine inside the radiation chamber. But gradually the radiation has burnt the skin beyonf recognition, as good a burn as caused by fire. This is ok if it is a part of the body which can be hidden by clothes, but not parts like neck,head etc. Second complication is the stomach and digestion. May be I tried almost all types of food during those days, with all types of combinations. Nothing would go in, and I would always have this nauseatic feeling in my stomach. Sometimes I would come running back from the restaurent to the ward to throw up everything I had gulped in. It is a very embarassing situation. You feel hungry but if you start eating there is some uneasiness in the stomach and you feel like vomitting. Meanwhile one more guy who was may be a year or two younger than me, was admitted near my bed. He was also from Kadra near Karwar. He had comains of frequent bouts of fever nad nausea. His father once had told us that his was a case of leukaemia. That day I was very sad on hearing this. He was so young for a disease like that.I had asked this boy once about this and he didn't seem to be aware of this fact and had only told me his compication. I had also seen kids of 2-3 year who were recieving radiation for brain tumour and others. It's a bad place to be. You start feeling that god is cruel or there is nothing called as god. We would occassionally go home to Karwar on sundays since it was a off day for radiation. Even there I would not like home food. The smell of sambar caused nausea. I was told not to take bath for duration of the therapy. The maximum I could do was to get a wet towel bath below my chest. This was one more discomfort added to the summer heat. Even after the therapy I could not take bath till the burns had healed. They would ooze out puss at times and the complete lack of sensation in those parts resulted in them flowing down till I somehow felt it and wiped them with cotton. Meanwhile I had got my SSLC results and I had passed with a percentage of 85.12%. I had topped the two Kannada medium divisions. Nothing was joyful anymore in my life. The radiation which lasted for one and half months finally ended and I was discharged. I cannot describe the joy that I felt that day. I was going back home, to X-Files, friends and beach. I had to rush for the admission for the college since the last dates for application were nearing. The thought of dropping a year never crossed my mind, and I am grateful to my parents for not having put me to think in that direction even though they had such thoughts in mind. They were obviously anxious since I had not yet completely recovered. They were even thinking of putting me into Commerce stream since science would prove too hectic for me. But all these intentions were revealed to me after I had got a seat in science thankfully. I think I would not have chosen anything else , because I wanted to become a scientist :). The phase after this was the most challenging I think. All my classmates and friends were shocked and sad after I had narrated my summer holiday adventure and after seeing what was left of me. But I too was emotionally not mature and all this started to take a toll on me. I started to avoid the company of people except a few close friends from my school. Thus I never enjoyed those college days nor did I make any good friends. Besides, I was still recovering from the shock and coming to terms with the world which used to give me pitiful and at times yucky glances. Someone sneering at me made me very sad and uncomfortable though I pretended not having observed them. To this date I am yet to accept this fact completely , though offlate there have been some positive signs. The pain I have gone through has been immense. I still am fighting my own identity. I dont know how to describe this. But all these years, somehow I have been lucky enough to have succeeded to some extent in my studies and having landed a job too. I am totally grateful to god for what I am today. And I hae never had a single instance of people making fun my condition or passing remarks atleast before me. But it pains when I can't mix with new people with the same friendliness a normal guy would do. I cannot pursue all that I want for the same reason of people not easily mixing up with me. Some people deliberately try to ignore me even if I want to talk to them. This hurts a lot, but I have to live with this , since this appears to be my Karma. So this pretty much sums up that dark phase of my life. Sorry if I made you puke. There is no way I could have described this than what I have written. Nothing artificial or untrue. So keep reading .. bye..